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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
Why go to a therapist when a woman will explain everything wrong about you free of charge?
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you`re signing a cast.
My face hurts from pretending to like you.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I`m out of bacon. This is my suicide note.
Not to brag, but I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.