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Welcome back to plastic surgery anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today.
Sometimes I feel as though my life should be documented for future generations.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
"Polar bears can`t jump." - Black bears
I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
This day is going downhill faster than a wagon full of fat kids!
My therapist just offered me my money back.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.
To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2013, for 2014 could you please send money, alcohol or petrol vouchers…Cheers!
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
I hate when I`m about to hug someone really sexy, and my face hits the mirror.