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My neck, My back, My Netflix and my snacks...
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
Dear person reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
I know alcohol isn`t the answer, but it`s my best guess.
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?