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Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
I love my car. Without it, I would not be where I am today.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
Just convinced my Mom she won`t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn`t see Teen Wolf first.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you