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Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Whenever our neighbor`s dog is barking, I know there`s either someone at their door or literally anything else in the universe has happened.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
Have you ever laid down in bed and start thinking.. Where the hell are my pants!!??
I took out an ad for a girlfriend recently and 10 guys tried to give me theirs.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about