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Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
iPhone is really a terrible name considering how rarely I use it as a phone. That`s like if my bed was named iSex.
The dentist told me I need to be more aggressive when I floss so I`ve decided to start growling.
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Men are great listeners when you have big boobs ;)
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"