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I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
Relationships are like yard sales... They look good from a distance but you get there & realize its just a bunch of sh!t you dont need.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Ladies, if you are really good at blow jobs, you don’t have to pretend to like football.
How will you survive a zombie apocalypse if you scream & run when you see a spider?
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
I can tell how productive I was at work by how much battery my cell phone has left when I leave.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.