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You Are The Reason My Middle Finger Was Created.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine - I’d worship him too.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
So, at this point, should we really still be calling them New Kids on the Block?
I don’t know how your day is going, but I just got lucky on the couch! Yep, I found a dollar!
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.
Odd Fact: The names of characters in Inception are: Dom, Robert, Eames, Arthur, Mal and Saito. Note the first letters = DREAMS.