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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Some things get in the way of my happiness, so I ignore them.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
The worst job to have right about now would be that of a realtor in Ferguson.
I suspects that whoever named that Icelandic volcano (Eyjafjallajokull) must have fallen asleep on their keyboard while thinking it up.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
I plan my entire day around the possibility of a nap.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.