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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Today is "National Take Your Flask To Work Day." ... I just made it up. Tell the others.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
I once had the desire to do something worthwhile with my life. Then I discovered naps.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
There are days when everything goes perfectly. . I wonder what those are like?
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Good friends don’t let you do dumb things… alone.
I drink coffee for your protection.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.