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Simmer down joggers running in place at a stop light, simmer down.
My therapist cries "Why me?" for the full hour.
I like to respond to statuses with .. WOW, Someone needs a Happy Meal.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
I think the lady at the movies is "shushing" me, but I can`t tell because I`m eating Doritos.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It`s simple. If it`s clean, it`s on the floor. If it`s dirty, it`s on the floor over there.