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People reckon I´m too patronizing (that means I treat them as if they´re stupid).
If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep calm.
You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
I swear Mosquitos have a chart of the human body they study before they leave their nest...They seem to always bite on the worst possible places.. It`s like they huddle up and make a plan: "Ok Sally, you take the toe knuckles.. Betty, you get the crack behind the knee, Mary, you take the ankles, and I`ll take the finger knuckles..Ready? Break!"
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking. Or help them move.