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Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
bras are booby-traps
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
Sixth in line to the throne takes on a different meaning when you’re not in the royal family but in a dive bar.
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
I never finish anyth...............