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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can`t flick your friends out the car window
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn`t make the cut.
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Guys, freedom of speech doesn`t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?