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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
I hear my ex is now into orgies, or at least that`s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on her behalf said.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Do you ever just sit there and think “why am I not rich”?
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it.. So now I have to live in constant fear.. O_o
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out