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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
Trying to figure out why I joined the gym when I have Photoshop.
I`m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign And before that ... we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that sh!t.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
Today we salute Vodka~ruining family reunions and supporting hilarious `hold my drink` moments for 50 years...