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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
If life Sucks, what makes you think death doesn`t Blow??
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pac Man, for 25 cents that bitch would swallow balls til she died!
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
The institutions won`t take me so I am all yours.
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Day Light savings this weekend is pissing me off, we will lose a hour we will never get back...........wait...thinkin`.....I guess we do....carry on...