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I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.