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lol <- looks like a stick man drowning. lol
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
Wear black: all the non-conformists are doing it.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
The difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt a$$ is around 24 seconds ..
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"