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I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
Miracle Whip is a bit of an exaggeration if you ask me.
I don`t "get lost". I find creative ways to get places I didnt know I wanted to go.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned, it`s that I should have learned some other stuff.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
It turns out that playing strip solitaire isn`t nearly as much fun as playing strip poker. Especially at work...
Tried to plug my charger in the wrong hole. Siri was like STOP " I don`t do that ".
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Today I caught myself smiling ... I was thinking of you ... Don´t flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."