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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman`s voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it`s working.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
If heat makes things expand, then I don`t have a weight problem ... I am just Hot!
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
is clapping his hands and stomping his feet because he is happy and he knows it.