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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
I have an irrational fear of speedbumps… but, I’m slowly getting over it.
Don`t be sad laundry, nobody`s doing me either.
Don`t act like your not impressed.
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!