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I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I`m roofing.
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
Im not sure Im comfortable with the fact that there is now a bunch of people in white coats furiously scribbling notes behind a big glass window while im talking to my therapist. Im suppose to just "ignore" them.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
I was in NYC and a black guy asked me if the Yankees won to which I replied, "Yeah, man, you`re free."
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
My biggest fear is that there is no PMS and this is my personality.
Why is it Donald Duck never wore pants but always had a towel wrapped around his waist when he got out of the shower?
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.