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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
The police never think its as funny as I do.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should`ve considered.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.