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Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
Knowing sign language is a handy skill when it comes to identifying schizophrenics at famous people`s funerals.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea Iām not the teacher.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
It`s not karma, you`re just an idiot.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
I don`t know about you, but I`ve thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there