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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
Helpful Tip: Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman`s boots...
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
when i have children im going to make them watch 2012 and tell them i survived all of that.
I`m single by choice. Not MY choice. But it`s still a choice
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
I just saw a disclaimer that said "don`t try this at home", so I tried it at my neighbors house.