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If everyone would stop screaming, I`m sure we`d all agree I`m not supposed to be in this women`s restroom.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds someone nice.
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
life is short play naked
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
I just had Déjà vu...and you were an asshole both times.
People who weigh their produce. What`s it like to have all the time in the world?