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If every U.S. sports team converted to metric, Americans would understand the metric system by the next game.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
I`m terribly sorry but I have decided not to grow up and act my age after all. So there.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
After a while you just get used to people not understanding.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
Is your family tree a cactus? Because everyone on it is a prick.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
Today’s forecast.. mostly cloudy with a 99.9% chance of alcohol