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How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
It`s scientifically proven the more you shut up then the less likely I am to punch you in the face.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
Step aside coffee, this job is going to take hard liquor.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
Fact: if you give your boyfriend a bj each time you act crazy, he`ll not only forgive you,but eventually be thrilled when you act nuts.
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.