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Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.