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that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
How to make a Vodka Christmas cake. . (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1......bottle Vodka, 2 cups dried fruit. Sample a cup of Vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Vodka again to be... sure it is of the highest quality then Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to
Coffee is nature’s way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
Running away does not help with the problems unless you are fat
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
You can`t be late until you show up
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn’t hear you the first 100 times.
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.