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Is it just me or when you turn off the computer by holding down the power button, it feels like I’m choking it to death.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
This one isnt that funny, keep scrolling.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets, and morals. You probably shouldn`t invite me over.
The synonym for `reality` is `offline`
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?