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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Girls don`t dress for boys, they dress for themselves... If girls dressed for boys, they`d just walk around naked all the time.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Respect your elders. They made it through school without Google and Wikipedia.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it`s for her is to eat it. Apparently
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
500 recipes pinned to my Pinterest board. Eating a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.