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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I`m never wrong. One time, I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
To all the people who think they don`t need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?
She walked in & she had legs, legs that went on for days. Who knows where they went? They just kept wenting. - Why my mystery novel failed
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
What`s cardio, and can I eat it?
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor`s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right
Ever noticed that `beer can` in a british accent sounds exactly like `bacon` in a jamaican accent?
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!