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I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Watching a funny movie after watching a scary one too try to reduce the risk of nightmares.
One day when I was at the beach there was a guy in the ocean yelling, "Shark! Help!" And I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn`t going to help him.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won`t be tempted to eat it later.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.