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Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I have every episode of Hoarders saved on DVD.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
You`re in your 20`s... you don`t have "haters"... you have "adults" that think you are "annoying"
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
My bf just got out of jail. Says life in jail for him was a big pain in the a$$
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
You care so much about me? Keep that sh*t to yourself i got my demons under control
My version of Heaven would be filled with all the things I`d probably go to hell for.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.