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Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.
I refuse to jump on the `I hate Mondays` bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*