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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%…unless you’re donating blood…
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Do you think the inventor of the USB will be buried twice? The 2nd time because they put him in the wrong way?
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.