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My dad taught me righty tighty, lefty loosie.... that`s why I never dated left handed chicks.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Note To Self: Even if someone really needs it, strangling them is still illegal.
I can still remember a time when I knew more than my phone
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
What about a To-Don`t List?
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?