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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
If McDonald`s was smart they`d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
When in darkness, pray. If you pray and nothing happens, I think it is the high time you paid your electricity bill.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Did you know? If you were to watch all of the Saw films, it would take you 666 minutes?
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.