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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
It`s always quiet on here at the weekends, it`s like you people have lives or something...
I copied and pasted your pic of what you ate...and got MORE "likes" than you did. :P
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
Mister Rogers didn’t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.
My Kid: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What`s wrong with the one we live in? My Kid: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.