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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I`d probably pick living.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
I’m not a schizophrenic… At least, that’s what all the voices tell me.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you, would actually kill me
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Sweating is for people who do stuff.