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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn`t attend.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
High fiving was the original "like".
Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
Remember, I`m always here if you need shoulders for your ankles to lie on.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.