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This is just a quick shout-out to bread bowls, waffle cones and other edible containers. You guys are doing a great job.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
The worst part of being an insomniac is having to eat spiders while I’m awake to maintain my yearly average.
It really freaks me out that I have a skeleton living inside me......
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Good for you, people that do things.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
With all the new car technology you would think someone could invent a side mirror that could show where an object actually appears.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
God is pretty creative. I mean, look at me.