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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
My favorite part of Summer is the booze. Coincidentally, that`s my favorite part of the other 3 seasons, too.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
And then I was all: “I’m really getting sick of your shit, bitch.” And then she was all: “To speak with a representative please press 7.”
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn`t really think your choice was excellent.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
It feels like one of them days..... ya know? When you wanna fart and blame the other person for it!
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
“I saw that.” -Karma
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
I don’t think my inner child is ever moving out.