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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Breaking News: I took a bath today
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
Bored? Simply send a text message to a random number saying..."I`m Pregnant!"
I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn`t be allowed to leave Wal Mart.