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You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.