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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
It`s like nobody ever considers the consequences of getting to know me.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.