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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I’m not reading it.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
The internet...turning cowards into tough guys daily.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.
I`ve often wondered: Who the heck is Pete, and why do we do things for his sake?