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Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
I often wonder how things worked out for that guy who grabbed the bull by the horns.
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
I got so drunk last night I tried picking up every woman in the bar and now my back is killing me!
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
2015 and I still can`t believe it`s not butter!
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?