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No matter how old you are ... swingsets are cool.
I`m not lazy, I`m in energy saving mode.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the "Price is Right" audience.
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending I’m not excited.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My posts come from a dark place.. I haven`t paid my light bill in 3 months.
Running behind is my cardio.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.