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Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
Hey baby, wanna come to myspace and twitter my yahoo `till i google all over your facebook?
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.