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Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
Facebook: Making stalking people much more convenient since 2004.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.