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Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
I am actually impressed by what Lance Armstrong has done. When I was on drugs, I couldn`t even find my bike!
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
"is Pepsi ok?" - my coke dealer, tryin to be funny
My fitness goal is just to get down to the weight that I lied about on my drivers license.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
Ahh..Monday, so we meet again ... You dirty bitch!!
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.