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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.
Neil Armstrong was the first human being to step foot on the moon. Neil A. backwards spells "Alien"
You get wasted, swear to much, and your morals are questionable. You`re everything I`m looking for in a friend.
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.