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Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
I need my decision making privileges taken away.
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
Let`s be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN`T think he`s the most interesting man in the world?
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn`t even value half of all his assets.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"