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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
If advertisers were smart, they`d make a silent, slow-motion commercial that runs at normal speed when you fast forward through it on a DVR.
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
I hate when I’m comfortable in bed and I forget my iPhone in the other room!
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up