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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If I go missing this holiday season and there’s a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at the gym.
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
Why am I not allowed to post anything on here?
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
TIP: If cars are passing you on the highway in the LEFT lane, GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RIGHT LANE!
Say what you want about the porn industry. But they are hard workers.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
I just heard someone say "I can`t wait for 13/13/13" .....let`s take a moment and pray for this dumbass
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
Just once, I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f*ck..."
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.