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My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
I wake up every morning with the joy & excitement of wanting to go directly back to sleep.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
If I ever sound inspriational, one of us is drunk.
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
You dont know sh!t about pressure until you`re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.