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They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
The worst part about looking for a job is if you`re successful, you end up with a job.
I have no words to describe this day. I do however have a number of obscene gestures that would work.
Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
Men are a lot like kids, if you want to shut them up, put a boob in their mouth.
My GPS is basically just one more woman in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Relationships are like just-out-of-the-oven pizza. You know it`s going to burn you, but it looks so good and maybe this time it won`t?
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Anyone going to stare at their phones anywhere cool this weekend?