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People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
It`s really ironic that I mostly use my driver`s license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive.
Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.