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Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
Fun Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
I love a woman in uniform. I mean naked.
I don’t always have time to study, but when I do, I don’t.
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Don’t start an argument with a girl because they have 45030194 GB memories and will bring up something you did at 2:27PM on April 23rd 2008.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.