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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol? Me: Why? What`ve you got?
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...
When you "pretend speak" to someone in the background while ordering takeout so that the restaurant doesn`t judge your big order for one.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.